Dowry

[Excerpts from my mail to my college and school groups]

As everyone knows and would agree, getting dowry is certainly wrong and does not conform to the practices of a civilized society. In spite of this, even the educated still get/give dowry. There are several questions that I would like to try answering (and in that process lay down my views on the issue): Why people practised giving dowry and is it relevant today? How many still get dowry? What makes people still follow the age-old custom? And finally, what can be done to stop this practice?

Taking up the first of the list of questions, I remember my mother telling me that it must have been followed in olden days just because girls were not sent to school. Her explanation is quite satisfactory. What she says is that parents must have given dowry – mostly in gold – at the time of marriage of their daughter as a means to bring up her children should anything happen to her husband. Obviously, since girls were not given education nor were they allowed to go out much, it must have been the only means to ensure that life went on well. The gold must have served as jewels and in case of any unforeseen thing happening, it would have been sold. But today girls are given education and they explore the world around them. Is it not high time that we think of changing an age-old custom, which is not relevant today?

If you think that dowry refers only to those things that are 'demanded' from the girl's parents at the time of marriage, you are seriously wrong. Dowry not only refers to things that are 'openly demanded' but also to those that are 'expected though not demanded'

To the next question, how many people still get dowry? I would say, "Almost everyone". You might not readily accept this. To make my point clear, a proper definition of what constitutes dowry is certainly required. If you think that 'dowry' refers only to those things that are 'demanded' from the girl's parents at the time of marriage, you are seriously wrong. Dowry not only refers to things that are 'openly demanded' but also to those that are 'expected though not demanded'. Now-a-days people – especially the educated – do not want to explicitly ask dowry, as they know that it is wrong (their conscience pricks). So, they just 'expect dowry'. In case they are 'offered' less or no dowry they surely will cite other reasons to stop the marriage proposal (astrology helps them a lot here!). There is rarely any marriage where the girl's parents do not give any gold and/or cash as dowry. I tell you, "Even if a guy does not ask for dowry, but the girl’s parents give, still the guy is morally responsible for that and he deserves to be punished at his conscience's court".

The main reason for people to still follow this practice is that they consider dowry as a means to show off their status. The more they get dowry, the higher is their status! (The truth is that the girl’s parents also think that it is a mark of status and they tend to give more… most of the time more than what they can afford to give!) Also, both the parties fear the society. They are not ready to face the questions of their relatives who will pester them asking about the dowry given/taken. What nobody seems to think is that society is nothing but themselves. This answers the third question, "Why people still follow the custom?"

The solution - I feel - is that boys should make it a point that they do not take anything - gold or cash (the few ornaments the girl regularly wears alone can be exempted)

Finally the important question is what can be done to put an end to this practice of getting dowry? The solution – I feel – is that boys should make it a point that they do not take anything – gold or cash (the few ornaments the girl regularly wears alone can be exempted). Of course, the boy has to convince his parents, his relatives and also the girl's parents (convincing the girl's parents implicitly includes convincing her relatives also). I do know that this is easier said than done. While the boy's parents might very well accept the fact that getting dowry is a wrong practice, they might have apprehensions about the questions they have to face from their relatives (after all, the relatives will not question the boy. They will only ask his parents and they might even say that their son is still a "kid" and his words are to be ignored). Coming to the case of the girl’s parents, they might insist on giving gold and/or cash saying that they are giving it just as a gift for their daughter or they might say that they have already made all the ornaments for their daughter (thinking that they may not be able to find a boy who does not ask for dowry!). Though they cite different reasons the reality will be just that they too fear facing the questions of relatives. The trouble might not be as simple as stated above. A boy who insists getting no dowry might sometimes have to face more problems. A sample is that, people might think that the boy has some serious illness (now-a-days people just don’t believe that there might be some good people around).

Now there are some valid questions you might ask. Why can't it be that the girl's parents really want to give something as a gift to their daughter at the time of marriage? I would say, in most of the cases people go beyond their affordable level to give the 'gift' (if at all it can be called so). Moreover, I wonder why parents think of giving gifts only to their daughter and not to their son. The simple reason is that still we follow the practice of handing over the parental property to the son (and the son in return is expected to take care of his parents). Excluding girls from having their share of parental property and giving them the choice of not caring about their parents are two more things that I do hate but then I don't want to mix up those issues with the current discussion. Anyhow, if the girl's parents insist too much on giving something as a gift to their daughter, the boy can ask them to give it in cash - but not at the time of marriage. Instead, he can ask them to give that when his child goes to college so that it will be used for the child's education. Now, you might wonder whether this does not constitute dowry. There are several reasons why I suggest this:

1. Once the boy gets married, he can convince the girl's parents to use the money for themselves.


2. Sometimes changes can be expected to happen only in phases. This can be considered as a step ahead towards putting an end to the practice of getting/giving dowry.
3. Money spent on education is always worthy.

Another valid question might be, "If there are many problems (as I have mentioned previously) in trying to stop the practice, why try stopping it at all? Let it happen when it happens". My point is that if you want to see changes, you can't dream of something to happen by itself. You know it is wrong to give/take dowry and you want it to be stopped but you want to dream of that happening on its own. Every change has to be initiated. Will you be one of those who initiate a change is what you should think of!

One of my classmates once told, "Girls, know your value. Don't give dowry." I would like to add the following line to it: "Guys, respect their (girls') value. Don't take dowry"

Whenever I happen to hear of incidents wherein the parents of an educated girl spend a lot of money as dowry, I wonder why people don't understand and respect the self-esteem of a (educated) girl. Doesn’t the girl's parents shatter her self-esteem in a minute by giving dowry? I further don't understand what respect a girl will have over a boy who accepts dowry (eventhough he becomes her husband). One of my classmates once told, "Girls, know your value. Don't give dowry." I would like to add the following line to it: "Guys, respect their (girls') value. Don't take dowry".

You might very well ask why throughout the article I have been stressing on the point that boys should stop taking dowry. Why not the girls stop giving dowry? I do agree with that point but then, I feel that it is easier to stop the practice from the boy's side. It is in some way analogous to the issue of bribery… if we want to stop bribery we can only think of not taking a bribe. Trying the other way – not giving a bribe – is not that much an easy approach. If a guy does not get dowry, it will be followed on during his son's marriage… and things would start changing.

If you are unmarried, when you plan for your marriage give this a thought and if you are married, think of this when you arrange your child's marriage. Let us strive to make the society better!