Of Marriages [Part II]

Reading my first post in this series, if you had come to a conclusion that I am in trying to say that love marriage is the best, you are wrong. As I had mentioned in my first post, I am just trying to put forth my views on Indian marriages (or probably south-Indian or more precisely marriages in TamilNadu!). In this post I am laying down my views on love marriages in India.

"In love marriage one has a lot of expectations since he/she knows his/her spouse for a long time. So, when they start to live together, any small deviation from what they had imagined will be a big blow in love marriage"

As I had pointed out in my first post, love marriages provide solution to a lot of issues that arise in the case of arranged marriages. And, in addition, there are more positive points in the case of love marriages - they help us create a caste-less society; and generally there will be no issue of dowry and there is no requirement to verify the details of the spouse [this becomes important as I have heard in recent times - some stories of guys (living abroad) cheating the bride's parents with wrong information about their job or concealing the fact that they are already married]. However, love marriages too have pitfalls. When someone falls in love, everything about his/her lover seems to be good if not great! To tell the fact, both the girl and the boy in love projects the better half of them to the other. The reality strikes only when they start living together. For then, they look at each other from close quarters… In one way arranged marriage is better than love marriage. In arranged marriage there are fewer expectations since the spouse is a total stranger. But in love marriage one has a lot of expectations since he/she knows his/her spouse for a long time. So, when they start to live together, any small deviation from what they had imagined will be a big blow in love marriage. So, all I can say is, "If you love, don't be in a hurry to propose the girl/boy. First get yourself clarified if it is really 'love' or just an attraction. Try to know more about the person before you propose or accept a proposal. If you have the slightest doubt that things could go wrong after marriage, don't propose. And, in case you start loving, don't let your imaginations fly high - till the time you get married and start living together".

My mother once pointed out that in love marriages, things like food habits might cause havoc. I could not comprehend the point she made. Then, my mother explained: Suppose two people from different states love each other. There is very less chance that they might think about the difference in their food habits – before marriage. But, once married, they will start realizing that they cannot adjust with the food their spouse likes. Now, food being a daily issue will indirectly cause problems. At that time, I had less real- life experience to accept that [Actually my immediate thought was (though I did not tell this to my mom!), "I like Punjabi food more than south-Indian food. So do you mean to say that I can love a Punjabi girl?"]. But then, after staying in the hostel and then traveling to different places, I understood the truth in her statement. Though it might seem silly, small things like food do matter really when it comes to living together. Here, arranged marriage helps since generally we choose people who have a similar background as ourselves. So, food and daily habits will be similar if not same as that of ours. This – my mother says – is the reason for people to search alliance at places in and around their hometown.

"If people are ready to leave their parents who had played an important role in making them what they are today, then it is highly likely that they may not be true in any of their relationship."

Another issue about love marriages is the decision made by some lovers to leave their parents for the sake of their love. I do not support such a decision. If people are ready to leave their parents who had played an important role in making them what they are today, then it is highly likely that they may not be true in any of their relationship. Even if they are true to their spouse, there are other issues. There was this guy – a roommate of mine at the college – whose parents had separated from his grandparents (both paternal and maternal) for the sake of their love. He used to say, "As a kid, whenever summer vacations begin, I will see people leaving to their grandparents' house. But I had to stay home since I had no relatives. And, whenever others speak about their grandparents (on returning from vacation), I would simply walk away from that place. I never knew how it would feel having grandparents and other relatives." One might think that leaving their parents would be a good option. But then, by doing that they are depriving their children of what they are entitled to. And, surely they don't have the right to do so. So, all I would say is that, one should try to convince his/her parents to accept their lover. In case it is not possible, I would advice one to do what his/her parents say. This obviously necessitates one to tell their parents of their love at a very early stage.

Considering all those things that I have seen happening around me, I would say that there are several things that require deep thinking before decisions are made in case of a marriage – be it arranged or love marriage. Anyhow, from my point of view, the order of marriage options that might lead to a better married life is (anyhow, this does not mean that I would follow this order as a rule... it all depends on circumstances...):

1. Conventional love marriage.
2. Arranged marriage to someone one had known for a long time.
3. Love marriage where either the girl or the boy had only loved the other person but the other person had no reason to say no to the proposal.
4. Arranged marriage where the bride is chosen by some good logical means.
5. Conventional arranged marriage.

Of Marriages [Part I]

In India, "marriage" is the most celebrated event – more than any other festival I could think of. May be it is because this event happens to be a turning point in the life of those getting into wedlock (whether the turning point turns out to be good or bad is a entirely different story!) or probably it is because marriage is a sort of family get-together – the only event where you meet many of your otherwise not-in-touch relatives. And, at 25 I thought of this grand Indian event and that resulted in this article. Unlike my other articles, here I am not trying to come to any conclusion of what is better – love or arranged marriage. Rather, I am just laying down my views on both love and arranged marriage. There is a reason for doing so: Life does not have "Two plus Two equals Four" sort of rules. Rules of life differ from person to person – what might be applicable to me, might not suit you. So, I leave the conclusion to you – the readers. In this first part of the article, I lay down my views on arranged marriage...

Looking at a typical Indian way of selecting a bride/bridegroom, here is what happens (If at any step the result is negative, people generally go back to step 2):

1. Parents ask relatives to inform them of any prospective bride/bridegroom. Also matrimonial columns of newspapers will be made use of (now-a-days, matrimonial sites in internet are also widely used).
   
   
2. Based on the inputs received, the bride/bridegroom will be short-listed on a variety of basis. In case of a bride search, it is mostly based on the looks (invariably all guys want slim girls with a fair complexion... if only the creator had known this!), dowry (I wonder if the word will be out of the dictionary ever!) and education (of course guys want their wife to be educated enough to present herself in the society!). In case of the groom search, it is mostly based on the salary (simple theory, "money = happiness"), education (required to earn money) and looks (of course their daughter might reject otherwise!). [Going through some matrimonial advertisements on the internet, one would find that the word "god-fearing" being used often by both parties... I wonder if those people who write it used to commit serious crimes that they keep 'fearing' God instead of having 'faith' or 'love' towards Him!].
   
   
3. A preliminary enquiry about the bride/bridegroom is made through known people (especially in the groom search... to know if the boy smokes/drinks, etc).
   
   
4. Horoscopes are exchanged at this point (optional).
   
   
5. If things are fine, photos are exchanged (this is skipped in case it had been done at step 2. Sometimes, at step 2, the looks are judged only through the inputs given by relatives/matrimonial ads).
   
   
6. The boy/girl is shown the photograph and provided the details about the bride/bridegroom and asked for opinion.
   
   
7. The bridegroom meets the bride at her place (or at a common place) and both parties agree if they like each other (no one knows how they conclude that!).

Going through the above steps, one can easily see that the boy/girl makes his/her decision mostly based on the 'looks' alone and nothing more, nothing less. There are two major things that make me feel that (this type of) arranged marriages have high probability to go astray…

"In arranged marriage, even after marriage, your spouse would still be a stranger to you. It is in one way like throwing two people in an uninhabited island – they don't have any other choice but to start liking each other no matter what differences they have!"

Firstly, I don't understand how one would be able to select a life partner just by the looks and then start believing that he/she loves that person more than anyone and/or anything else on earth and that he/she can trust that person completely and can share all his/her secrets/feelings (It brings me laughter to think of meeting a girl who is a total stranger – a few months before marriage – and then telling her the day after the marriage: "Darling, You are my life!"). I will make my point more clear: In life, we get into relationships by two means – one is by birth (I refer to Father, Mother, siblings and the whole lot of aunts, uncles and grandparents who come into our life by our birth) and the other is by choice (I refer to friends and others whom we like to be in touch with). The reason we get along well with those in the first category is that we are with them from the time we are born (or from the time they are born, in case they are younger to us) and so we get used to their way of life and thinking. We adjust with them even if we have conflicting ideals and mindset. The reason we are able to cope up with those in the second category is that 'we choose them'. We don’t make choices just at the instant we meet someone. We take decisions based on their behaviour, their way of life, their attitude and the like. To tell the truth, except for our parents and siblings (and may be grandparents can also be included), we always have the choice to decide with whom we should be close to. When this is the case, how can one make the decision of selecting a life partner just within a few minutes without knowing much about him/her? I do not understand how one - while thinking a lot to choose his/her friends and others with whom he/she should be close to – can make an important decision as this, without much thinking. The point is this: "In arranged marriage, even after marriage, your spouse would still be a stranger to you. It is in one way like throwing two people in an uninhabited island – they don't have any other choice but to start liking each other no matter what differences they have!" In simple words, in arranged marriages people are "forced" into liking each other.

"...if I want my wife to be broad-minded – wise enough to accept logically convincing facts, how can I ensure that through our present system of selecting a life partner?"

Second is the issue of "clash over core ideals/values". Everyone has some core values and/or ideals around which their life revolves. They are those things for which they will die for and they are those things for which they will not compromise even with their parents or siblings (with whom they generally adjust over other issues). In arranged marriages there is a higher probability that there will be a clash over some/all of the core values/ideals. To make my point clear, let us assume that you always like to be honest whereas your spouse turns out to be one who takes bribe at his/her office and in case your spouse is so obsessed with bribery that he/she cannot stop that habit. Then, how would life be? This is in fact a very imaginative example of mine that you might be able to throw up arguments against it in case you are a bit smart. To lessen your burden, I would do that myself… one can easily make "honesty" a necessary condition during the matrimonial search (or probably in the advertisement one gives in newspaper/website) and it "would" (or rather "might") solve the problem. Or a better way might be to choose a spouse whose job has no chance for bribery. But, that was just an example and there are a thousand things that the (present way of) matrimonial search cannot ensure. To make things more clear here is another example. Supposing that I get married and have a daughter and that when she attains puberty my wife wants to share the news with relatives – as is the practice in India (generally in houses where people are more conservative, a customary function will also follow the announcement). Now, I would not certainly allow this. I may not even allow her to tell the news (I use the word 'news' here just to make it appear the same way as people think… but for that it is no 'news' at all!) to her/my parents. As for me, it is just a natural biological phenomenon, which does not require publicity. For me, it is a bad social practice that has to be stopped. Why do you want to go around announcing that a girl is ready to reproduce? That was a practice that was followed in olden days when people wanted to get their daughters married off as soon as possible. Now, how do I know that the girl I choose as my life partner will be someone who understands and accepts this? Put in other way, if I want my wife to be broad-minded – wise enough to accept logically convincing facts, how can I ensure that through our present system of selecting a life partner? I certainly can’t imagine living with someone who cannot agree with something that is logically correct. This is what I term it as the "clash over core ideals". When you have a spouse who cannot agree or adjust with your core ideals, your marriage life is bound to be a disaster.

Now, you may ask me if I mean to say that I will not adjust with my wife over anything. My answer is, I would. In fact 'adjusting with the life partner' is the basis of married life. But then, there is some difference between 'adjusting' and 'compromising over core values'. For example, I generally don't like to go to temples on special occasions when there will be too much rush as I believe that concentration is the basis of prayer and one cannot concentrate in that crowd. But if it turns out that my wife likes going to temple on special occasions, I would certainly take her even without herself telling me. This is 'adjustment'. But, if she wants to go there and participate in the ritual of walking on hot coal (as is the practice in many Indian temples), I might not agree with her, as it is one of the worst superstitious beliefs. More than much concerned about the harm it might do to her feet, I believe that it will set a wrong example to my children. Also, I believe that superstitious beliefs should never be supported by any educated person. Now, this is 'core principle' which 'cannot be compromised'. In case my wife turns out to be one who can compromise over this, it is fine. But, if it is something that she considers as important to her and cannot compromise, things become difficult.

There is yet another question you might ask me: "Then, what do you tell about the fact that most of the arranged marriages are successful?" My answer would be, firstly we cannot come to any conclusion like this since we do not know exactly how many are really satisfied with their married life. In case the statement is really true then, it would be primarily because people have been made to think that it is the way life goes [They might think that things like marriage and spouse are determined even before birth and that God writes the name of one's spouse somewhere on the head (and certainly not visible to human eye!) at the time of creation!] and nothing can be done about it. So, probably they had prepared themselves for the Indian way of marriage and married life. While it might suit those who don't question age old customs, it might not suit people who tend to write long blogs out of them.

"...probably we can think of using blogspots in the place of horoscopes and live chat and phone in the place of photographs."

To tell the truth, I don't hate arranged marriages. All I don't like is the way in which we find a bride/bridegroom. It certainly needs a change. I believe that we need to rethink from scratch to arrive at a better way of finding a good life partner. Probably we can think of using blogspots in the place of horoscopes and live chat and phone in the place of photographs. Also, we need to change the priorities that are used in selecting the bride/bridegroom. Instead of the job or looks, we need to give more importance to the common interests of the people involved, their expectations and the like. Probably we can try something like marrying someone with similar thoughts as ourselves - whom we meet at the workplace or college. In this regard, love marriage is a good option as it solves many of the issues that I have put forth... but wait that was just a remark... to know about my complete opinion about love marriages (and also about some other view points about arranged marriages), await my next post...

"Of Marriages [Part II]"

Dowry

[Excerpts from my mail to my college and school groups]

As everyone knows and would agree, getting dowry is certainly wrong and does not conform to the practices of a civilized society. In spite of this, even the educated still get/give dowry. There are several questions that I would like to try answering (and in that process lay down my views on the issue): Why people practised giving dowry and is it relevant today? How many still get dowry? What makes people still follow the age-old custom? And finally, what can be done to stop this practice?

Taking up the first of the list of questions, I remember my mother telling me that it must have been followed in olden days just because girls were not sent to school. Her explanation is quite satisfactory. What she says is that parents must have given dowry – mostly in gold – at the time of marriage of their daughter as a means to bring up her children should anything happen to her husband. Obviously, since girls were not given education nor were they allowed to go out much, it must have been the only means to ensure that life went on well. The gold must have served as jewels and in case of any unforeseen thing happening, it would have been sold. But today girls are given education and they explore the world around them. Is it not high time that we think of changing an age-old custom, which is not relevant today?

If you think that dowry refers only to those things that are 'demanded' from the girl's parents at the time of marriage, you are seriously wrong. Dowry not only refers to things that are 'openly demanded' but also to those that are 'expected though not demanded'

To the next question, how many people still get dowry? I would say, "Almost everyone". You might not readily accept this. To make my point clear, a proper definition of what constitutes dowry is certainly required. If you think that 'dowry' refers only to those things that are 'demanded' from the girl's parents at the time of marriage, you are seriously wrong. Dowry not only refers to things that are 'openly demanded' but also to those that are 'expected though not demanded'. Now-a-days people – especially the educated – do not want to explicitly ask dowry, as they know that it is wrong (their conscience pricks). So, they just 'expect dowry'. In case they are 'offered' less or no dowry they surely will cite other reasons to stop the marriage proposal (astrology helps them a lot here!). There is rarely any marriage where the girl's parents do not give any gold and/or cash as dowry. I tell you, "Even if a guy does not ask for dowry, but the girl’s parents give, still the guy is morally responsible for that and he deserves to be punished at his conscience's court".

The main reason for people to still follow this practice is that they consider dowry as a means to show off their status. The more they get dowry, the higher is their status! (The truth is that the girl’s parents also think that it is a mark of status and they tend to give more… most of the time more than what they can afford to give!) Also, both the parties fear the society. They are not ready to face the questions of their relatives who will pester them asking about the dowry given/taken. What nobody seems to think is that society is nothing but themselves. This answers the third question, "Why people still follow the custom?"

The solution - I feel - is that boys should make it a point that they do not take anything - gold or cash (the few ornaments the girl regularly wears alone can be exempted)

Finally the important question is what can be done to put an end to this practice of getting dowry? The solution – I feel – is that boys should make it a point that they do not take anything – gold or cash (the few ornaments the girl regularly wears alone can be exempted). Of course, the boy has to convince his parents, his relatives and also the girl's parents (convincing the girl's parents implicitly includes convincing her relatives also). I do know that this is easier said than done. While the boy's parents might very well accept the fact that getting dowry is a wrong practice, they might have apprehensions about the questions they have to face from their relatives (after all, the relatives will not question the boy. They will only ask his parents and they might even say that their son is still a "kid" and his words are to be ignored). Coming to the case of the girl’s parents, they might insist on giving gold and/or cash saying that they are giving it just as a gift for their daughter or they might say that they have already made all the ornaments for their daughter (thinking that they may not be able to find a boy who does not ask for dowry!). Though they cite different reasons the reality will be just that they too fear facing the questions of relatives. The trouble might not be as simple as stated above. A boy who insists getting no dowry might sometimes have to face more problems. A sample is that, people might think that the boy has some serious illness (now-a-days people just don’t believe that there might be some good people around).

Now there are some valid questions you might ask. Why can't it be that the girl's parents really want to give something as a gift to their daughter at the time of marriage? I would say, in most of the cases people go beyond their affordable level to give the 'gift' (if at all it can be called so). Moreover, I wonder why parents think of giving gifts only to their daughter and not to their son. The simple reason is that still we follow the practice of handing over the parental property to the son (and the son in return is expected to take care of his parents). Excluding girls from having their share of parental property and giving them the choice of not caring about their parents are two more things that I do hate but then I don't want to mix up those issues with the current discussion. Anyhow, if the girl's parents insist too much on giving something as a gift to their daughter, the boy can ask them to give it in cash - but not at the time of marriage. Instead, he can ask them to give that when his child goes to college so that it will be used for the child's education. Now, you might wonder whether this does not constitute dowry. There are several reasons why I suggest this:

1. Once the boy gets married, he can convince the girl's parents to use the money for themselves.


2. Sometimes changes can be expected to happen only in phases. This can be considered as a step ahead towards putting an end to the practice of getting/giving dowry.
3. Money spent on education is always worthy.

Another valid question might be, "If there are many problems (as I have mentioned previously) in trying to stop the practice, why try stopping it at all? Let it happen when it happens". My point is that if you want to see changes, you can't dream of something to happen by itself. You know it is wrong to give/take dowry and you want it to be stopped but you want to dream of that happening on its own. Every change has to be initiated. Will you be one of those who initiate a change is what you should think of!

One of my classmates once told, "Girls, know your value. Don't give dowry." I would like to add the following line to it: "Guys, respect their (girls') value. Don't take dowry"

Whenever I happen to hear of incidents wherein the parents of an educated girl spend a lot of money as dowry, I wonder why people don't understand and respect the self-esteem of a (educated) girl. Doesn’t the girl's parents shatter her self-esteem in a minute by giving dowry? I further don't understand what respect a girl will have over a boy who accepts dowry (eventhough he becomes her husband). One of my classmates once told, "Girls, know your value. Don't give dowry." I would like to add the following line to it: "Guys, respect their (girls') value. Don't take dowry".

You might very well ask why throughout the article I have been stressing on the point that boys should stop taking dowry. Why not the girls stop giving dowry? I do agree with that point but then, I feel that it is easier to stop the practice from the boy's side. It is in some way analogous to the issue of bribery… if we want to stop bribery we can only think of not taking a bribe. Trying the other way – not giving a bribe – is not that much an easy approach. If a guy does not get dowry, it will be followed on during his son's marriage… and things would start changing.

If you are unmarried, when you plan for your marriage give this a thought and if you are married, think of this when you arrange your child's marriage. Let us strive to make the society better!