Of Marriages [Part I]

In India, "marriage" is the most celebrated event – more than any other festival I could think of. May be it is because this event happens to be a turning point in the life of those getting into wedlock (whether the turning point turns out to be good or bad is a entirely different story!) or probably it is because marriage is a sort of family get-together – the only event where you meet many of your otherwise not-in-touch relatives. And, at 25 I thought of this grand Indian event and that resulted in this article. Unlike my other articles, here I am not trying to come to any conclusion of what is better – love or arranged marriage. Rather, I am just laying down my views on both love and arranged marriage. There is a reason for doing so: Life does not have "Two plus Two equals Four" sort of rules. Rules of life differ from person to person – what might be applicable to me, might not suit you. So, I leave the conclusion to you – the readers. In this first part of the article, I lay down my views on arranged marriage...

Looking at a typical Indian way of selecting a bride/bridegroom, here is what happens (If at any step the result is negative, people generally go back to step 2):

1. Parents ask relatives to inform them of any prospective bride/bridegroom. Also matrimonial columns of newspapers will be made use of (now-a-days, matrimonial sites in internet are also widely used).
   
   
2. Based on the inputs received, the bride/bridegroom will be short-listed on a variety of basis. In case of a bride search, it is mostly based on the looks (invariably all guys want slim girls with a fair complexion... if only the creator had known this!), dowry (I wonder if the word will be out of the dictionary ever!) and education (of course guys want their wife to be educated enough to present herself in the society!). In case of the groom search, it is mostly based on the salary (simple theory, "money = happiness"), education (required to earn money) and looks (of course their daughter might reject otherwise!). [Going through some matrimonial advertisements on the internet, one would find that the word "god-fearing" being used often by both parties... I wonder if those people who write it used to commit serious crimes that they keep 'fearing' God instead of having 'faith' or 'love' towards Him!].
   
   
3. A preliminary enquiry about the bride/bridegroom is made through known people (especially in the groom search... to know if the boy smokes/drinks, etc).
   
   
4. Horoscopes are exchanged at this point (optional).
   
   
5. If things are fine, photos are exchanged (this is skipped in case it had been done at step 2. Sometimes, at step 2, the looks are judged only through the inputs given by relatives/matrimonial ads).
   
   
6. The boy/girl is shown the photograph and provided the details about the bride/bridegroom and asked for opinion.
   
   
7. The bridegroom meets the bride at her place (or at a common place) and both parties agree if they like each other (no one knows how they conclude that!).

Going through the above steps, one can easily see that the boy/girl makes his/her decision mostly based on the 'looks' alone and nothing more, nothing less. There are two major things that make me feel that (this type of) arranged marriages have high probability to go astray…

"In arranged marriage, even after marriage, your spouse would still be a stranger to you. It is in one way like throwing two people in an uninhabited island – they don't have any other choice but to start liking each other no matter what differences they have!"

Firstly, I don't understand how one would be able to select a life partner just by the looks and then start believing that he/she loves that person more than anyone and/or anything else on earth and that he/she can trust that person completely and can share all his/her secrets/feelings (It brings me laughter to think of meeting a girl who is a total stranger – a few months before marriage – and then telling her the day after the marriage: "Darling, You are my life!"). I will make my point more clear: In life, we get into relationships by two means – one is by birth (I refer to Father, Mother, siblings and the whole lot of aunts, uncles and grandparents who come into our life by our birth) and the other is by choice (I refer to friends and others whom we like to be in touch with). The reason we get along well with those in the first category is that we are with them from the time we are born (or from the time they are born, in case they are younger to us) and so we get used to their way of life and thinking. We adjust with them even if we have conflicting ideals and mindset. The reason we are able to cope up with those in the second category is that 'we choose them'. We don’t make choices just at the instant we meet someone. We take decisions based on their behaviour, their way of life, their attitude and the like. To tell the truth, except for our parents and siblings (and may be grandparents can also be included), we always have the choice to decide with whom we should be close to. When this is the case, how can one make the decision of selecting a life partner just within a few minutes without knowing much about him/her? I do not understand how one - while thinking a lot to choose his/her friends and others with whom he/she should be close to – can make an important decision as this, without much thinking. The point is this: "In arranged marriage, even after marriage, your spouse would still be a stranger to you. It is in one way like throwing two people in an uninhabited island – they don't have any other choice but to start liking each other no matter what differences they have!" In simple words, in arranged marriages people are "forced" into liking each other.

"...if I want my wife to be broad-minded – wise enough to accept logically convincing facts, how can I ensure that through our present system of selecting a life partner?"

Second is the issue of "clash over core ideals/values". Everyone has some core values and/or ideals around which their life revolves. They are those things for which they will die for and they are those things for which they will not compromise even with their parents or siblings (with whom they generally adjust over other issues). In arranged marriages there is a higher probability that there will be a clash over some/all of the core values/ideals. To make my point clear, let us assume that you always like to be honest whereas your spouse turns out to be one who takes bribe at his/her office and in case your spouse is so obsessed with bribery that he/she cannot stop that habit. Then, how would life be? This is in fact a very imaginative example of mine that you might be able to throw up arguments against it in case you are a bit smart. To lessen your burden, I would do that myself… one can easily make "honesty" a necessary condition during the matrimonial search (or probably in the advertisement one gives in newspaper/website) and it "would" (or rather "might") solve the problem. Or a better way might be to choose a spouse whose job has no chance for bribery. But, that was just an example and there are a thousand things that the (present way of) matrimonial search cannot ensure. To make things more clear here is another example. Supposing that I get married and have a daughter and that when she attains puberty my wife wants to share the news with relatives – as is the practice in India (generally in houses where people are more conservative, a customary function will also follow the announcement). Now, I would not certainly allow this. I may not even allow her to tell the news (I use the word 'news' here just to make it appear the same way as people think… but for that it is no 'news' at all!) to her/my parents. As for me, it is just a natural biological phenomenon, which does not require publicity. For me, it is a bad social practice that has to be stopped. Why do you want to go around announcing that a girl is ready to reproduce? That was a practice that was followed in olden days when people wanted to get their daughters married off as soon as possible. Now, how do I know that the girl I choose as my life partner will be someone who understands and accepts this? Put in other way, if I want my wife to be broad-minded – wise enough to accept logically convincing facts, how can I ensure that through our present system of selecting a life partner? I certainly can’t imagine living with someone who cannot agree with something that is logically correct. This is what I term it as the "clash over core ideals". When you have a spouse who cannot agree or adjust with your core ideals, your marriage life is bound to be a disaster.

Now, you may ask me if I mean to say that I will not adjust with my wife over anything. My answer is, I would. In fact 'adjusting with the life partner' is the basis of married life. But then, there is some difference between 'adjusting' and 'compromising over core values'. For example, I generally don't like to go to temples on special occasions when there will be too much rush as I believe that concentration is the basis of prayer and one cannot concentrate in that crowd. But if it turns out that my wife likes going to temple on special occasions, I would certainly take her even without herself telling me. This is 'adjustment'. But, if she wants to go there and participate in the ritual of walking on hot coal (as is the practice in many Indian temples), I might not agree with her, as it is one of the worst superstitious beliefs. More than much concerned about the harm it might do to her feet, I believe that it will set a wrong example to my children. Also, I believe that superstitious beliefs should never be supported by any educated person. Now, this is 'core principle' which 'cannot be compromised'. In case my wife turns out to be one who can compromise over this, it is fine. But, if it is something that she considers as important to her and cannot compromise, things become difficult.

There is yet another question you might ask me: "Then, what do you tell about the fact that most of the arranged marriages are successful?" My answer would be, firstly we cannot come to any conclusion like this since we do not know exactly how many are really satisfied with their married life. In case the statement is really true then, it would be primarily because people have been made to think that it is the way life goes [They might think that things like marriage and spouse are determined even before birth and that God writes the name of one's spouse somewhere on the head (and certainly not visible to human eye!) at the time of creation!] and nothing can be done about it. So, probably they had prepared themselves for the Indian way of marriage and married life. While it might suit those who don't question age old customs, it might not suit people who tend to write long blogs out of them.

"...probably we can think of using blogspots in the place of horoscopes and live chat and phone in the place of photographs."

To tell the truth, I don't hate arranged marriages. All I don't like is the way in which we find a bride/bridegroom. It certainly needs a change. I believe that we need to rethink from scratch to arrive at a better way of finding a good life partner. Probably we can think of using blogspots in the place of horoscopes and live chat and phone in the place of photographs. Also, we need to change the priorities that are used in selecting the bride/bridegroom. Instead of the job or looks, we need to give more importance to the common interests of the people involved, their expectations and the like. Probably we can try something like marrying someone with similar thoughts as ourselves - whom we meet at the workplace or college. In this regard, love marriage is a good option as it solves many of the issues that I have put forth... but wait that was just a remark... to know about my complete opinion about love marriages (and also about some other view points about arranged marriages), await my next post...

"Of Marriages [Part II]"