Of Marriages [Part II]

Reading my first post in this series, if you had come to a conclusion that I am in trying to say that love marriage is the best, you are wrong. As I had mentioned in my first post, I am just trying to put forth my views on Indian marriages (or probably south-Indian or more precisely marriages in TamilNadu!). In this post I am laying down my views on love marriages in India.

"In love marriage one has a lot of expectations since he/she knows his/her spouse for a long time. So, when they start to live together, any small deviation from what they had imagined will be a big blow in love marriage"

As I had pointed out in my first post, love marriages provide solution to a lot of issues that arise in the case of arranged marriages. And, in addition, there are more positive points in the case of love marriages - they help us create a caste-less society; and generally there will be no issue of dowry and there is no requirement to verify the details of the spouse [this becomes important as I have heard in recent times - some stories of guys (living abroad) cheating the bride's parents with wrong information about their job or concealing the fact that they are already married]. However, love marriages too have pitfalls. When someone falls in love, everything about his/her lover seems to be good if not great! To tell the fact, both the girl and the boy in love projects the better half of them to the other. The reality strikes only when they start living together. For then, they look at each other from close quarters… In one way arranged marriage is better than love marriage. In arranged marriage there are fewer expectations since the spouse is a total stranger. But in love marriage one has a lot of expectations since he/she knows his/her spouse for a long time. So, when they start to live together, any small deviation from what they had imagined will be a big blow in love marriage. So, all I can say is, "If you love, don't be in a hurry to propose the girl/boy. First get yourself clarified if it is really 'love' or just an attraction. Try to know more about the person before you propose or accept a proposal. If you have the slightest doubt that things could go wrong after marriage, don't propose. And, in case you start loving, don't let your imaginations fly high - till the time you get married and start living together".

My mother once pointed out that in love marriages, things like food habits might cause havoc. I could not comprehend the point she made. Then, my mother explained: Suppose two people from different states love each other. There is very less chance that they might think about the difference in their food habits – before marriage. But, once married, they will start realizing that they cannot adjust with the food their spouse likes. Now, food being a daily issue will indirectly cause problems. At that time, I had less real- life experience to accept that [Actually my immediate thought was (though I did not tell this to my mom!), "I like Punjabi food more than south-Indian food. So do you mean to say that I can love a Punjabi girl?"]. But then, after staying in the hostel and then traveling to different places, I understood the truth in her statement. Though it might seem silly, small things like food do matter really when it comes to living together. Here, arranged marriage helps since generally we choose people who have a similar background as ourselves. So, food and daily habits will be similar if not same as that of ours. This – my mother says – is the reason for people to search alliance at places in and around their hometown.

"If people are ready to leave their parents who had played an important role in making them what they are today, then it is highly likely that they may not be true in any of their relationship."

Another issue about love marriages is the decision made by some lovers to leave their parents for the sake of their love. I do not support such a decision. If people are ready to leave their parents who had played an important role in making them what they are today, then it is highly likely that they may not be true in any of their relationship. Even if they are true to their spouse, there are other issues. There was this guy – a roommate of mine at the college – whose parents had separated from his grandparents (both paternal and maternal) for the sake of their love. He used to say, "As a kid, whenever summer vacations begin, I will see people leaving to their grandparents' house. But I had to stay home since I had no relatives. And, whenever others speak about their grandparents (on returning from vacation), I would simply walk away from that place. I never knew how it would feel having grandparents and other relatives." One might think that leaving their parents would be a good option. But then, by doing that they are depriving their children of what they are entitled to. And, surely they don't have the right to do so. So, all I would say is that, one should try to convince his/her parents to accept their lover. In case it is not possible, I would advice one to do what his/her parents say. This obviously necessitates one to tell their parents of their love at a very early stage.

Considering all those things that I have seen happening around me, I would say that there are several things that require deep thinking before decisions are made in case of a marriage – be it arranged or love marriage. Anyhow, from my point of view, the order of marriage options that might lead to a better married life is (anyhow, this does not mean that I would follow this order as a rule... it all depends on circumstances...):

1. Conventional love marriage.
2. Arranged marriage to someone one had known for a long time.
3. Love marriage where either the girl or the boy had only loved the other person but the other person had no reason to say no to the proposal.
4. Arranged marriage where the bride is chosen by some good logical means.
5. Conventional arranged marriage.